she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
