apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
