I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
