you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
