while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize