It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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