The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
