Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
