Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
