you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
