a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
