Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
