do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
