My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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