Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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