I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
