Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Is it penis luge time yet?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
