He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
