The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
