how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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