Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
