Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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