She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
