So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
