He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
