Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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