i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
