i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
...so i touched it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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