last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
