Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
