I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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