I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
