I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
