I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
