so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just pee around me
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize