you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
