You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
