so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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