I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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