I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
