Whod you bang
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
