shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
