My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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