Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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