I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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