im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
