The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
