I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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