if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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