last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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