and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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