I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize