Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
