I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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