So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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