I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
