dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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