Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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