Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize