Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
