so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
