you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
